Saturday, October 6, 2012

Confessions of a Writer/Educator

The launch on September 15 went over really well. The readers were fantastic and the audience was thrilled.

My recruitment efforts leading up to the launch also led to exactly six young writers who are seriously interested in committing to the project. A lot of people are asking the question: "What if they flake out?" I'm more interested in, especially right now: "What if they don't flake out?" Why should I create unnecessary competition for something that has pieced together so organically seamless at the moment. Especially now that I can focus on other things, i.e. writing the curriculum, planning field trips and applying for a grant that could allow us to do a print edition.

So now what? For me, that is. What are my goals? For the past week I've been thinking about the repetitive nature of projects and what it means to found an organization. Yet, I must be true to myself first. I have always been adamant that this is not a project that comes from a humanitarian motivation. Youth and Brooklyn automatically conjure notions of charity. If anything I'm trying to counter that assumption. I'm doing art for art's sake with youth for my sake. I love teenagers. I love literature. I love the idea of creating a space where I can work with youth and expose them to writers and ideas I value while giving them the opportunity to incorporate these ideas into their own work and project.

Some people have been very supportive of my decision to keep this as solo event. Others have allowed me to humor them with a shrug of the shoulders and a "who knows" what will happen. But I feel there are those who just assume and expect that this is my life mission, so much so that it influences the way I view the project and myself. Thank goodness for this blog, where I can work out these dilemmas.

I'm a writer, first and foremost. Raw Fiction is a huge creative outlet for me. As a writer I am still learning and growing. I am adamantly an unpublished writer because I am not ready to be published. My work is not yet there. So, by doing Raw Fiction I can produce something that is much larger than myself and feel like I've done something worthwhile before slipping back into obscurity.

I am craving obscurity, as I write away on this blog, so public like a frog in a livelong bog. Even when I thought Raw Fiction could be an organization, or had to be an organization, back when I was first starting out and had no idea what I was doing, I knew I didn't want to be ED. I still don't. I don't want to do the same thing for years. I don't want to beg rich people for money in order to pursue my dreams. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with people who write grants for a living, or who are ED's of really great organizations that can only exist to help people because they can successfully convince the people with money to direct the money to them, but it is not my world. I can see no happiness at the end of that tunnel. I don't feel the rewards of it..... Unless, unless, it was for my own personal literary work.

In my searches for grants I've realized how many options there are for writers, women writers, black writers, queer writers and I want to look into those when this project is over. I've taught myself how to research and apply for grants, I want to take that skill and use it for my own art.

I think we all have to be completely true to our own hearts and ambitions. And it's hard for those of us who are queer activists. We want to fight for our communities. We need to. But how do we do that and balance our need to take care of ourselves and immerse ourselves in our art? That's another thing Raw Fiction is doing for me. I'm allowing myself to put all of my energy into this huge thing that is inherently humanistic and charitable no matter how much I try to say otherwise. No matter how much I will benefit from the personal and professional growth of it, it's a really "honorable thing to do," to quote a poet who I resented for saying it. But I can't keep doing it. This is not my destiny.

I am dreaming of the next steps. Of traveling somewhere. Of moving somewhere. Of writing something. Of getting a Master's degree, not because it's a last resort but because I would really enjoy it. The world seems so wide open and welcoming right now. Having come so far with Raw Fiction (getting it off the ground, meeting awesome youth who are excited about it, knowing it will be a success no matter how big or small) has given me the confidence to keep pursuing my dreams. To keep dreaming.

That's what I want Raw Fiction to give to all of its participants and audience members: We can follow our dreams and see them to fruition. And that in itself is enough to change the world.